If you live long enough, grief and loss is something that will affect us all. Over the years, it has been my honor to be trusted by clients with their personal stories of grief. I’ve also experienced my own fair share of grief and loss. There are surely certain times of year that my emotions run increasingly raw. Recently, for example, throughout the holiday season. And also right now, due to anniversaries. February 2, 2024, marks the fifth anniversary of the passing of my stepdaughter after her nearly two-year battle with Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma (DIPG), a rare and terminal childhood brain cancer. She would have been turning fifteen in April.

With the anniversary of her passing and her birthday so near, compounded by the anniversary of another profound loss within the same timeframe, I am unquestionably triggered in these late winter and early spring months. These are the same emotions I feel every day of my life, only they are somehow closer to the surface and more difficult to conceal. So, when I speak about the impact of grief and loss, I speak not only from my training and professional experiences, but also from my personal experiences.

The impact of grief is so complex and different for everyone. It impacts people emotionally, physically, spiritually, and behaviorally. There really isn’t one right way to grieve, and there are also many factors that make a difference in how people grieve. Was the loss expected or was it sudden? Was it peaceful or tragic? Did the person live a long and happy life or were they young? Was the relationship solid, or were things strained or left unsaid? Everyone will respond differently.

If a loss is new, many people may still be experiencing feelings of numbness, denial, anger, overwhelming pain and/or shock. It can impact their ability to eat, sleep, and concentrate. It can cause extreme anxiety or even panicky symptoms. If some time has passed since the loss, some people may have transitioned into a place of acceptance and normalcy. But, many people that have lost someone significant experience profound sadness, which can develop into depression.

Depression can make day to day functioning difficult, and for adults, these triggering times of year (holidays, anniversaries and birthdays) can bring with it an added stress; feelings of grief may be more sensitive. These additional stressors can lead people to exhaustion.

Furthermore, the added responsibilities and obligations during certain times of year can be overwhelming for those that are in grief. Family gatherings may look very different after a loss. Memories of years past can bring comfort, but also sadness. If depression is an issue, it may take considerable effort just to get dressed, let alone attending family functions and socializing. Therefore, it is important to find ways to cope with grief and remember the loved ones lost.

There are countless options when it comes to ways to remember our loved ones. It’s important that people find ways to cope that makes sense to them and their personal belief system. Some examples may include wearing a piece of jewelry or a clothing item, writing the loved one a letter, visiting the cemetery, going to church, or visiting a place you both loved and appreciated, or maybe donating to a special cause or volunteering your time somewhere meaningful. Many people worry about forgetting aspects of their loved ones, so writing down memories can be a good way to honor and ensure their memory lives on.

No matter what someone chooses to do, it helps to talk. Pain causes many to avoid talking about or thinking about their loved one. Yet, talking about them and thinking about them makes our grief more manageable over time. Try keeping photos around the house and telling stories about them on a regular basis. Finding little ways of honoring them will keep their memory alive.

Remember, grief doesn’t disappear after the first whirlwind of weeks following the loss. That time is typically a period of shock and disbelief. It’s in the months and even years to follow that the real grieving process takes place. If you want to support someone after a loss, meals before a funeral can be helpful. Cards, flowers and offering thoughts and prayers can also be helpful. But, if you really want to be there for someone after a loss – stay in touch. Seeing someone smile and laugh months after a loss does not necessarily mean they’ve fully recovered. Unless someone has made it clear that they are not ready to talk, it’s okay to bring up a loss and acknowledge it.

As you provide acknowledgement and support, it’s typically best not to offer your own spiritual or religious beliefs related to what happens after death. Well-meaning statements, such as “It’s all in God’s will,” or “They’re in a better place,” are meant to provide comfort, but may have the opposite effect on some. It is very common after a loss to question your own spiritual and/or religious beliefs, so give the person time and space to do so. Let them know that you care and then listen without giving advice, unless it’s requested. If someone offers up their own beliefs, it can be meaningful to reflect those sentiments back to them. This shows that you are truly present and listening.

Keep in mind that not every way of coping with loss is a healthy way. If the person is using excessive alcohol, substances or self-harm to numb their feelings, if they are engaging in other risky behaviors, if they’re having anger outbursts or severe depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts, please know that outside help is available. Grief counseling may help people learn to cope in healthy ways. Grief support groups can also increase social connections and help grief sufferers realize that they are not alone. If you need additional support, help is available near you. Search for Mental Health Services for Grief and Loss in your area. Please reach out!

For your convenience, I have included a list of resources below:

· Grief Share at https://www.griefshare.org/, is a website that helps you find a Grief Share support group or event near you;

· 911 (Call immediately if unable to keep yourself safe or in a medical emergency);

· 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline);

· 988 Lifeline (Simply call or text 9-8-8 to be connected with a trained Mental Health Professional for services in English or Spanish ); or

· https://findahelpline.com/will connect you with a crisis line globally.